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Just Saw [Insert Movie Title Here]...

...or how my MFA in screenwriting ruined any chance of enjoying a movie like a normal person. If I apply what I've learned to existing films, would it have made a better film?


SPOILER WARNING: Please be advised, I plan to discuss plot points in detail so if you haven't seen the movie and don't want the surprise ruined, stop here.

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Location: California, United States

Friday, March 31, 2006

Silly things I've heard in my life from American non-Asians

Silly things I've heard in my life from American non-Asians. FYI: I'm Chinese, born and raised in New York. Used to be an actor.


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Her: I-S-A-C-K?
Isaac: Isaac, I-S-A-A-C, spelled the same as in the Bible.
Her: B-I-B-L-E?

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Him: If you're going to NYU that means an American kid can't go.

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Him: We don't allow ESL students to take playwriting classes.

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Him: Do you think in Chinese or do you think in English?
Isaac: I don't speak Chinese.
Him: But do you think in Chinese?

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Her: The call was for actors who could play doctors. What are you doing here?

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Him: The call was for Shakespearean actors. What are you doing here?

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Him: The call was for typical Americans. What are you doing here?

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Him: I can tape my eyelids and play a samurai.
Isaac: Can I play the Irish cop?
Him: Don't be ridiculous.

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Her: We can't cast you in Pacific Overtures. You'd look funny being the only real Oriental on stage.

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Her: Kissing a Chinese guy would really piss off my dad.
Isaac: Want to have sex and give him a heart attack?

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Him: You're Isaac? You're not Jewish.
Isaac: I'm circumcised.

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Him: Hong Kong action films suck. They're not as realistic as American films.

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Him: You can't register for classes without a Green Card.
Isaac: That's a U.S. Passport.
Him: How'd you get a U.S. Passport?

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Him: You people shouldn't be allowed to vote. You only vote for what's best for you. You don't know what's best for the country.

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Him: You date Asian women too, how come you don't have yellow fever?

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Her: Your play is about failing relationships, video games and science fiction. What does that have to do with being Asian American?

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Him: Do you think in 200 years Chinese and Japanese culture will merge so that they'll be indistinguishable from each other?

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Him: You come to America and you still want to be Chinese? What was the point in coming to America?

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Him: I'm more Chinese than most Chinese people I know.
Isaac: And how many times have you been mistaken for me?

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Isaac: The Chinese invented gunpowder, paper and noodles.
Him: They also invented Communism.

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Her: The only reason why you got the job is because you're Chinese.
Isaac: It never occurred to you that I'm smarter than you?

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Her: So nice to meet you. Can you take a look at my computer?

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Him: You're in America. Eat American food.
Isaac: Okay, how about spaghetti and meatballs?
Him: Fuck you too.

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Her: Tell the waiter what we want in Chinese.
Isaac: Only if you want your order wrong.

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Her: What is this we're eating?
Isaac: If you like it, it's better you don't know what it is. Trust me.

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Her: Live kill is barbaric. Why can't you people buy chicken in the supermarket like everyone else?

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Him: My tax dollars are paying for your education. Do you think that's right?

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Him: No, don't give him the gun. There's nothing scarier than an Oriental with a gun.

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Him: I love Oriental women. I love their stubby legs and pointed toes. That doesn't make me a racist.

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Her: If we imprisoned Japanese people during World War II, it'd be in all our history books.

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Her: We have to break up.
Isaac: Why?
Her: You're Chinese.
Isaac: It's not like I kept it a secret.

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Him: Stop trying to be so American.

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Her: Stop trying to be so Chinese.

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Him: Minorities always make race an issue. If you don't make it an issue, it won't be an issue. Next issue.

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--And people wonder why race is an issue with me.

2 Comments:

Anonymous David Anaxagoras said...

What, no one asked you to do their laundry? You don't have to be stupid to be racist, but it sure helps. On behalf of all American non-Asians, I apologize.

April 02, 2006 1:00 PM  
Blogger derekcarney said...

Wow. *shakes head* People never cease to amaze me. You should write a screenplay about these episodes.

October 08, 2007 10:03 PM  

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